How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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