At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
