i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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