hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
