My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
