His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
