Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
