I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
