My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
