I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
