It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
