Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
