tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
