Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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