Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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