i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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