FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just cropdusted the office
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
