if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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