i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
