My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
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Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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