I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
