I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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