You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
