apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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