I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
