im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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