just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
