When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
