I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
