never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
