I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
