I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
