dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
