I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
