you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
