So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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