Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You need a sexual gate keeper
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
