Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
