nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
