i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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