the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
