I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
