I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
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