U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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