Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
