I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
