how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
