you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
