i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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