You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
