Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
