I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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