I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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