thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
