i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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