I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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